Hurt, Healing, Hope ...

I had very interesting weekend. I'm still processing a bit, but thought I'd share a little of what I've been thinking about with you.

Our relatively new missional community here in San Diego, took a few participants & road trippers down to Ensenada this weekend to meet another intentional community that is very similar to us that lives in Ensenada and together we visited a women & childrens shelter called Casa de Esperanza (House of Hope) in Ensenada. We prepared lunch for the women and kids and did some painting.

As our group prepared to go into Mexico, which many consider dangerous territory these days, I felt peace about going. I don't know about the rest of the group, but for me, once I crossed the border I felt freedom, absolutely no fear and somehow felt so much closer to God. Not sure why, but it sure hit me in a very real way.

I had also been asked to share my life story with the women of the shelter. Two of us were to share our story and two of the women of Esperanza shared their stories as well. I had said yes about a week ago and had been mulling it around but had not known what exactly I should say. I of course prayed for inspiration and direction, but did not hear an audible "aha! this is what I need to say". I continued to trust that God would show up. I was encouraged because my friend Laurie, who has an amazing story was going to be sharing and she really has done this before and knew what to expect.

I on the other hand was terrified. As I lay in bed one night last week, I realized that I had never shared my personal story with a group other than close personal friends. So as Saturday approached I became more and more obsessed with putting something down on paper. But the strangest thing happened on Thursday night as I lay in bed, I got a meassage from God, He said ... "Don't get in the way, I'll show up" ... so after that I really stopped worrying about it.

So now as I reflect on my insecurity of being able to pull this off, I was thinking about how time after time God calls on the least likely, they usually want to pass up on the offer, and then God has to exert His will on us, either that or we totally miss out on living out the good that can happen when we take risk and obey.

So my surreal moment was when I realized that all the physical, verbal and emotional abuse that I suffered at the hand of my mother and the healing that came from understanding unconditional love (God, Jon, my kids & my friends) cultivated the hope that I now have that God is using all of it for good. These women at the shelter are actually in parenting programs to learn how to be a better moms. Most of them are young moms, most were abused by their parents and then sometimes by their spouses. And even now some go on to abuse their own kids and then by the grace of God they end up at Esperanza. They are learning how to break the cycle, and I guess my story was relevant to speak to that need.

I also learned that when you speak from your heart, no matter how painful, God will show up and when people see how God has touched your life, they might want to experience that same hope and gain courage to carry on - at least that's what some of these ladies told me afterwards.

While preparing for this weekend, I developed a theme for my life story; Hurt, Healing & Hope. Catchy huh? I now understand that God took all the bits and pieces of my life, wove them all together and let me use them for this past weekend.

In my mind I think of it like this: Did you ever audition for a play? Usually you have to do a bit of acting or singing – then you leave and hope to get a callback. You have to be absolutely perfect or at least the best for the role you tried out for to get "the part".

But now I realize that each of us have a role in life that only we can fill. We don’t have to audition for it, because we are the only one who can do exactly what it calls for. God has chosen you to do a specific thing. And, the best part is, you aren’t in competition with anyone else for "the part”. And when God calls for you, there is nobody else who can answer for you. You have no contenders. It's only you that He wants. So think about that the next time you need to open up and share your journey with one or even 15 people. Trust me, God will show up.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11